How Do You Repair the Relationship?

So how do you recover from infidelity in your marriage or relationship?  The tried and true method is tough but it will work if both parties are willing to give it a go.  It involves really deepening the emotional connection.  How you ask when you can hardly stand the sight of each other.  Well, you have to put some of the emotional pain aside by helping yourself heal first and then understanding this will be tough.  Realize that if you want to move forward, you have to work at it.  Anything worth anything at all in your life has been work hasn't it?  Well this is no different.  Can you do it right away?  Maybe not.  You have to take care of yourself first.  You also have to work through some of that initial anger.  But when you're ready to think about it, here we go...

You have to repair the emotional connection.  You don't want to constantly feel like you'll never be normal.  You can't constantly feel like you'll never have a civil conversation or be able to normal again.  Heaven forbid you could ever be happy again together!  I know you're probably feeling like there's no way to get back to a healthy, loving relationship when all you can think of is the cheating and how can you possibly forgive and get over it. 

Once you have been hurt, the victim, and I even hate to use that word, because some people take it to the extreme and let themselves drown in the pity parties.  But seriously, you are a victim when a spouse cheats.  And as a victim, you will go through many of the same doubts, and have the same grief because of the crime.  It is a crime to your relationship and everything you've worked for.  You will also have to deal with the doubts about your spouse's sincerity and desire to repair the relationship.  These are huge obstacles that only you can climb.  Know you can hurdle them, and you're not alone.

Three rules to help you get started…

Rule 1: Be 100% Open and Honest
I used to think this one got easier as you got older, but I'm not thoroughly convinced.  Being brutally honest though has to happen.  It can be a little painful for everyone, the one to listen and the one to be honest.  Yet at the same time, it can be ever so freeing and is so critical when you're in a rocky place.

You both have to commit to the fact that from this day on, whatever you say will be based on 100% honesty.  You have to feel completely free to share everything - no secrets can be locked away in your head.  Not even when you don't feel like saying everything that's on your mind and the other person says, "What's up?"  And you say, "Nothing."  But there really is and they know it and you know it, but you just don't want to go there.  That has to end.  You have to have the courage to finish talking no matter what.  And the listener has to have the patience and the tolerance to listen and not quickly judge or doubt the honesty or sincerity.

If you both aren't completely 100% honest all the time, the emotional connection will not be restored.  When you are and allow each other the trust and space to be completely honest, you will not have to worry.  You may even be pleasantly surprised and your relationship rewarded.


Rule 2: It's Not an Interrogation - Ground Rules
Okay now that you've decided you'll be brutally honest.  It's time to take the brutal out of the equation.  Remember, if you ask questions that you're not sure you want the answers to, it's better not to ask until you're really sure you want to hear the truth and are prepared to deal with it.  Sometimes more is not better.

Also, if you're still really, really angry and are going to be nasty and just abuse the cheater with more information and guilt, hold off.  (Yes some women especially are really good at this and would hate to admit it.) Remember, if long-term healing is your goal, maybe it's best to heal yourself a little longer so you don't feel the need to throw things back at the cheater all the time.  Seriously, how many times do you need to rehash the whole incident and discovery?  That roller coaster has been over the hill several times already and how productive is another ride?  Does another ride around get you farther down the path to recovery?

It helps if you and your spouse decide on a list of what types of questions are okay, and which ones are not. Also, when answering a question and trying to employ honesty, both spouses must use common sense and good judgment and know how to answer honestly—but with diplomacy.

You each need to calmly decide on a list of what types of questions are okay and which ones are not.  When you answer, use common sense and answer honestly, but with the utmost diplomacy.  Remember, this is a person you once loved and hopefully will be able to work things out with to stay with for many years.  Unfortunately, that old ditty our mothers taught us "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me" isn't true.  What you say and what he says may hurt for a long time if you aren't careful.  You have been hurt already, try to minimize the pain now with careful and thoughtful preparation.

Rule 3: Schedule a Date
As you're preparing to talk about things, you can't do it on the fly, via texts, or over the phone.  It's serious business.  You both have to be prepared, emotionally as well as physically.  Schedule a talk-date, yes it sounds weird.  But you deserve the total attention on your relationship.  You don't need any outside stresses adding conflict to an already delicate situation.  You owe it to yourself and one another to schedule the time to focus only on your relationship.

These rules will help you as you move from the shock and pain of a painful marital infidelity and hopefully help you on the path to move your marriage forward and away from the lawyer's office.  Remember though, it will take time, work, patience, honesty, and diplomacy.

Keep working to heal yourself emotionally, psychologically, and physically too, you can be better all around when the after-shock wears off.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping for the best.  And if you're at all like me take a deep breath and count to ten before you utter a word!

Do You Have a Roommate or a Spouse?

Do you feel like you're living with a strange roommate instead of a spouse? Someone you really don't trust, can't relate to, and can't seem to feel anything for? It happens sometimes when the going gets tough and marital infidelity strikes. Kids, life, jobs, parents, everybody wanting a piece of you and vying for your time. How do you reconnect and make a marriage come back together? Do you want to? How do you get rid of the roommate feeling and quit crying yourself to sleep? Ever wonder who that person on the other side of the room really is now?

If you're feeling emotionally abandoned and wonder how you can survive, know you are not alone. Every day people just like you are having the same thoughts. People who may think their spouse is having an affair. Women who are sure there is another woman but can't put their finger on it and yet aren't really sure if they want to know. But at the same time aren't sure if they can live with the not knowing.

Take a few minutes to yourself today and try to center yourself to really focus on you. Take care of yourself first. Yeah right, everybody says that but how do you do it? Kids need picked up, dinner to fix and clean up, homework to attend to, practice to run to, laundry never ends, the dog may have chewed up the garbage and heaven knows no one else can clean it up! Stuff like that always happens when you're stressed to the max, doesn't it just about bring the tears every time? It does for me.

After it's all over and done and everyone else is in bed, escape in a book. Take a few minutes for yourself, lock yourself in the bathtub and relax. Take that walk at lunch, all by yourself or with a very special friend and enjoy yourself. You need the reassurance that you as a person are still you - stressed to the max, but you can function and escape for a few minutes and relax. Breathe deep and know you are letting yourself heal just a little.

You have to take care of you before you can tackle the world or even your relationship. Sometimes taking a few minutes and writing out your personal thoughts or feelings will help clarify things, it usually makes you feel better. Just write and write for about 10 minutes. Often in anger I will rip it up and destroy it after writing and reading what I've written. You will be surprised how freeing that can be.

In one of the best manuals for saving a marriage from divorce I've ever seen, they talk about three phases of surviving a marital crisis. The first step we've talked about today. Taking care of the yourself.

What Do I Do Now? Who Can I Trust?

It's so common not to trust or know who to turn to. You may not even feel like talking to anyone you know. It's too embarrassing, you feel like such a failure, all those things rolling around in your head.

Thank God for the internet right? Well in some cases maybe not. But in this case there is help available online.

Take a quick look at the free course available to help you through this difficult time. It's time to heal and this is the best start I've ever found!

You thought it wouldn't ever happen to you.

Wow, now it did. How can you put one foot in front of the other and go on. Everything is difficult, sleeping, moving through the daily motions, it's like devastation you'd see after a tornado where nothing is left, only it's your world that has been shattered. It's like you're all alone lost out in the rain with nothing to show for all the work and years you put in. Yet down deep there's the yearning to get started again.

Before you can get to that point though this person you thought you knew so well has to go through the turmoil too. They have to deal with the negative consequences for their selfishness, their foolish mistake of electing to cheat rather than stepping back and taking a long hard look at life or coming to you first to admit they were tempted to do something really, really asinine.

You must know too that generally the person your spouse was with is usually not smarter, better, more talented, or a wonder in the bedroom. It's just another person. Although these ideas will be dogging you and continue to cause you to doubt yourself, put yourself down, and destroy your self-worth if you let them. So STOP. We don't know what is in someone else's heart or why they would do something so stupid as cheat, break marriage vows, or destroy a relationship they have contributed to for often years. But if you look at some of the reasons why people give for cheating, you usually don't hear, "Well he was really hot," nor do you hear "She could recite the Constitution." The majority of the time cheaters can't give any reason that could validate their brainless choice. So enough about them, it was just stupid. Now let's move on to your deeper needs today and for the future.

You Need to Rediscover You
When everything you counted on has been pulled out from under you by marriage infidelity, you may be starting over from scratch. But before you can reinvent yourself, you need to really face these three things in order to move ahead and design the best life possible for you. You need to consider your wants, needs, and values.

There are three steps before you can begin to discover and survive the emotional destruction that your spouse's affair caused.

First, Face the Pain
You are entitled to be mad and hurt. The discomfort of emotional pain is no less stressful than physical pain. You can't ignore it, evade it, or even escape it for a minute it seems. You have to deal with the pain, define the emotions you're feeling. Yes it will be maddening and uncomfortable. But acknowledging your feelings is the step toward accepting that you are going through a terrible, terrible time and that will lead to healing. There are tools that can help you get through the pain.

Second, Take Time to Get A Little Perspective
Earlier we mentioned common haunting thoughts victims of an affair have. You know, she must have been thinner, prettier, younger, smarter, etc. That can be so hard on you. It will take time to deal with this painful negative chatter going on in your head. It's normal though. In time you will regain a more normal perspective.
Draft a Relief Plan
Knowing and acknowledging the painful emotions are only part of the plan. You just can't have all that negativity festering inside of you. It's unhealthy. You've got to get rid of it. You need "relief" breaks whether that be weekly lunch breaks with friends, regular exercise, walks or bike rides with the kids or the dog, something to get you outside of your little world outside of your little pity party. You must be integrated into the whole world and know that you are not stuck in a life of misery.

You can be much stronger than you think you are. What else have you learned since this all happened? Are you ready to rediscover yourself after marriage infidelity?